Abrasive? Maybe but shit. Look, I’m no writer like the other guy on this page (my bro) but sometimes I want to write and when I do, it’s just raw emotion…unscripted, grammar is a mess, all over the place…just straight off the dome.
Life is difficult, I think we’d all agree with that but doesn’t it feel sometimes that it’s harder for some than others? Me, I hate my life, yes…hate but I’m stuck with it. I’m a failure. I failed in school (but made it through), I failed in relationships (but figured out that I love being single), I have failed professionally (some my fault, some out of my hands) and most importantly I failed myself. I failed myself because I’ve always second guessed things that I wanted to do because it wasn’t practical or because I was told I wasn’t good looking enough or I wasn’t talented enough or that was a stupid idea…damn, and that’s just from my mom! I guess what I’m trying to say is that we all play a role in life, maybe I’m the guy who fails at everything and just skirts by as mediocre? Maybe that’s the hand that life has given me?
To my core, I’m a good guy; I think most people that know me will attest to that. Because of what life has already thrown me I feel like I’m the Michael Jordan of mental strength. I’ve been through mental and verbal abuse, death, watched domestic violence to someone close to me, people leave my life, layoffs, homelessness, etc but guess what? I’m always smiling man (fuck you life!) …that shit is a facade to the pain in my soul. Some days I feel sharp and some days I wish the semi 3 lanes over would blow a tire and just take me out of the game.
I wish for once I knew what was going to happen next. I’ve always said that I admired those who know what they want to be in life and they go do it (musician, doctor, engineer, teacher, etc)…for the most part these people have identified their purpose and fought to get to that place. I envy the fuck out of that! People always seem to know what’s best for you but don’t really know shit. They don’t know what and who you truly are meant to be, they only know what you put out to them and assume that’s who you are and guess what? I do that to.
I need a purpose to wake up to everyday. I’m tired of failure, I’ve already lived half of my life doing that. It’s time to start winning but when you don’t know how; how do you start? I’m sure I’ll come up with the answer than totally second guess myself…Thanks for being complicated life now go fuck yourself.