contemporary mating


i’ll tinder you,

i’ll you,

i’ll OKcupid you,

i’ll eharmony you,

i’ll [enter ethnicity].com you,

but tell me this one thing

before we go any further,

are we gonna fuck



cuz i can just swipe right

to the next one

who’ll most certainly

want to fuck this


knighted by the Queen


(pretend royalty, obvs;

it’s the internet…duh),

but i did eat the Queen out,

so that must count for


dry aged pussy –

it’s the new foodie thang,

or will be soon enough.

i’ve always been a trend setter.


The introduction blog

(J) It’s the BJ blog! …wait, no, it’s Barney and Jonathan – not what you might be thinking you dirty fucker.  So, listen, this is the story of thirty-old-something-quasi-man from America that’s had at least two mid-life crises who refuses to grow up and a young old-soul idealistic British-American who sounds more posh than a David Beckham cock worshiper

(as an American, I have no idea if that’s an insult or a compliment).  This is Jonathan speaking first. I’m starting this nonsense and Barney will come in to add proper context to this story (ha! …I typed “come in”).  


I left the world of corporate finance after nearly a decade of observing uneven decadence.  I thought there had to be more to the American life of swimming upstream avoiding the grizzlies chomping down on us baby salmon for our tasty flesh.  Turns out, there isn’t.  Life in America is fucking hard and rewardless.  Minimal travel and vacations.  Underpaid.  White privileged (and I’m white!).  Some, if not all, people thought I was crazy for leaving a respectable and well-paid job (compared to the rest of the world), where I put in years of work to rise to the level of … well, shit swallower – that never changed no matter the position.


No wife.  No kids.  Nothing to lose.  It was time for a change.  International travel was tugging at my invisible foreskin.  The journey was about to begin…


(B) What on earth is this? Barney here, not entirely sure what’s going on, but I’m sure it’ll make some sort of sense at some point.


I on the other hand am rather new to the real world. I’ve been there, done that with university, tried to become an army officer back in England, where I was told that I needed to get more experience. So right now, who knows what’s in store for me.


People keep saying that their lives never turned out the way they thought. So it got me thinking “If it won’t turn out the way I want, why not at least try at the beginning, what could happen”…. Quite a lot, apparently.


(J) I don’t think someone could get more “life experience” than living a year with me.  We’ve only been here two months and we have some stories to tell (stay tuned).